


Workplace Accidents

by em-kellesvig (mischief5), esteefee



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gaslighting, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-23 22:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7481793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischief5/pseuds/em-kellesvig, https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteefee/pseuds/esteefee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney injures himself in an unusual fashion. John just wants to understand how. Using kinesiology.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Workplace Accidents

**Author's Note:**

> Another SGA BrainTwin Production.

"Ow!" Rodney said, rounding the "O" as if he meant business. 

John rolled his eyes. 

"I said, 'Ow!'"

"Yeah, I heard you." John kept shining his golf club. His Mothers Mag and Aluminum Polish had just arrived on the _Daedalus_ , and he'd been looking forward to getting all his clubs spiffed up.

Rodney sniffed. "The proper response is, 'Whatever is wrong, Rodney?'" 

"I'm just guessing, here, but maybe you stubbed your toe or something?"

"Hah! It's much more dire than that." Rodney shoved his wrist in John's face. "Just look at how swollen that is."

"Oh, that's bad," John said facetiously. "Jennifer's going to amputate for sure."

"Funny." Rodney plopped down beside him on his bed. "I can't go to Jennifer with it."

John couldn't help smirking a little, only for Rodney to smack him.

"Ow! Ow! Damn it!" Rodney grabbed his wrist. "Used the wrong hand."

"Why can't you go to Jennifer? She still sore at you?"

"Actually, no. She's dating a mountain of a marine, if you must know."

"Oh." John focused hard on polishing the head of his seven iron. "Then how come?"

"Because of how I injured it. Why else?" Rodney huffed and bumped John with his elbow. "She doesn't need to know I was jerking off and sprained my wrist so badly I'll need an MRI."

John dropped his club. "You were what, now?"

"Jacking off? Adjusting the antenna? Midasizing the muffl—"

"Yeah, I got that part. But how in heck does a guy—I mean—anybody, really, injure—" John ran out of words, fortunately. There was no ending that sentence.

"Obviously, I should have warmed up thoroughly, first."

"What do you mean, 'warmed up?' Were you planning a freaking marathon?" John's voice rose alarmingly.

Rodney raised his hand to his ear. "One moment. Yes, Radek? Georgios did _what_ to the ballast tanks? Does he want us sinking like the SS _Edmund Fitzgerald_? Hell, we'll get Gordon Lightfoot to write a dirge about us." Rodney rose to his feet and stormed out, his broken wrist apparently forgotten.

John stared after him, wondering what the hell had just happened.

:::

So, John didn't think about that at all for the next little while—about how many times Rodney must have jerked off to sprain his wrist, or about how it must have involved equipment, or mufflers, or maybe he suspended himself upside-down, or what the hell—

John didn't think about it at all.

:::

Rodney showed up to breakfast wearing a wrist brace cribbed together from what looked like an ace bandage, a circuit board, and half a roll of duct tape. 

"Is that working for you?" John asked, nodding at Rodney's hand.

Rodney grunted an affirmative and dug into his Athosi-Os. "Of course, I won't be able to masturbate again for quite some time."

John choked on his coffee and glared at Rodney's smirk before responding, "I thought you said you were ambidextrous?"

"Eh. It's not the same. I'm not as fond of my left, you know?"

John's face felt a little hot. "Playing favorites?" he said lightly.

Rodney cast him a keen look and then nodded. "Of course, after my little adventure yesterday, I'm going to have to re-think my stance."

John frowned.

"Oooh, fresh goomberry tarts!" Rodney jumped up and disappeared into the press of people lining up, leaving John with a bizarre mental image and major wood in his pants.

:::

So, it wasn't that John was obsessed about the topic or anything. It was more of an intellectual pursuit. Like, seriously, how could a guy, or anyone, possibly—it defied imagination, didn't it?

Like, when John was taking a shower and imagining it. With both hands. And some soap.

At first, sure, he found some things worked very nicely, but were not at all dangerous, and thinking about Rodney doing them made the whole thing finish in a hurry. So, that was a failure.

Later, after sparring with Ronon, John tried again in the showers down in L3, the ones with support railings, but he was a little too nervous about getting caught in a compromising position, and explaining it was all for science probably wouldn't cut it.

Attempt number three was after meeting up for dinner, during which Rodney mentioned offhand, "It wasn't the torque so much as the angle, you know? I'll have to watch for that next time," before he got called off to re-align the sensor sequencer doohickey and John felt compelled to go take his third shower of the day.

This time, he really had things in hand, so to speak. The angle was the key, right? Sure, it was a stretch, but John was limber, and so, apparently, was Rodney. And it felt good, God, pretty good, _really_ good, especially when John imagined Rodney doing himself like this. 

"Oh, God. Jesus Christ." Why John hadn't thought of this himself was a mystery, but then he wasn't a genius like Rodney. "Fuck. Fuck. Oh, Christ." Holy smokes, John was going to come like gangbusters…right…about…

"Ow! Motherfucker!"

Well. That explained it all right.

:::

"Now isn't this interesting," Rodney said, waltzing into the infirmary. "Did you sprain something cleaning your golf clubs?"

"Workplace accident," John muttered, ducking his head to hide his flush. "No big deal." He squeezed the ice pack wrapped around his wrist.

"Uh-huh." Rodney strolled around the gurney to face him. "An accident. These things happen, I suppose," he said, sounding way too innocent. His wrist, John noticed, was free of the makeshift splint. There was no sign of any bruising or swelling. John narrowed his eyes.

"Looks like you've recovered okay."

"Me? Oh, yes." Rodney waved his hand. "Nothing to it."

"Sure seemed like a big deal yesterday," John said, now on full alert.

"Well, you know how I am," Rodney said, his smile lopsided. "I overreact."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, yes. Turns out there was nothing wrong after all; I just overexerted my imagination." Rodney smirked at him. 

John told himself it was impossible to feel his blood pressure rising; that was just an illusion.

"No, don't look like that," Rodney said, patting at the air. "You know how genius can be—it's a burden. It wears on the mind. It overtaxes me until I start to think all sorts of things. For example, I thought I noticed you were entirely too interested in the cut of my jib—"

"Your-your _what?_ Your….I'll—l—'cause I'll overtax your jib, bub, see if I don't—"

"—And so I engaged in something of a thought experiment to see if you were interested."

John blew out a breath. "You mean like Schrödinger's Jerk Off."

Rodney beamed with delight. "Precisely! Oh, you are clever when you want to be."

Leaning back on his good hand, John let his sprained wrist rest right over his crotch. "Tiny little flaw in your experiment, though, don't you think?"

"What?" Rodney crossed his arms. "Nonsense! It worked out perfectly. Here you are in front of me, practically confessing a tendresse for yours truly."

And here John thought he was just working out an engineering problem.

"Yep. Here I am," John said, raising his busted wing.

"Oh. I suppose that will put a damper on the...ah. Celebration," Rodney said, pouting a little.

"I suppose so." Still. Not with a little luck. John licked his lips speculatively.

Rodney rallied. "Are you quite sure you're right-handed?"

"Pretty sure."

"How _did_ you manage to sprain your wrist, anyway?" Rodney leaned over to ask, sounding totally fascinated.

John leaned to meet him until their noses almost touched and said, "Well, if you'll give me a hand, I'll show you."

 

……………….  
2016.07.13

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS A TRUE STORY. ONLY THE CHARACTERS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE ~~IDIOT~~ INNOCENT.


End file.
